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Musical Version of the Tain Bo

 Many years ago, I started working on a lyrical version of the Táin Bó Cúailnge or Cattle Raid of Cooley.  I thought I'd stick it here in case anyone wanted to take it and use it or in case I wanted to try to finish it.  I meant for it to be sung to Whiskey in the Jar or If I Should Fall.  I kind of prefer the latter.  I'll put comments after every verse if there's something of interest:

God made all o'Ireland mad
Every Gael from Cork to Kerry
All the songs they sing are sad
All the wars they wage are merry

  • (The above verse is unashamedly cribbed from Ballad of the White Horse by Chesterton.  This is in the section describing Colan the Celt. )
For the great Gaels of Ireland
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad.

If you've ever wished to know
Why the Irish are unruly
Then just listen to my song
'bout the cattle raid of Cooley

There's an ancient Irish queen
And a hero who repulsed her
It's Achilles dressed in green
It's the Iliad in Ulster
  • (The Tain is often called "The Irish Iliad".)
Helen's Hellenistic face
Launched a thousand ships to battle
But in Erin they go brawl  
For a single head of cattle
  • ("Erin go Bragh" means "Ireland forever" in Gaelic.  But "bragh" sounds like "brawl" so ... Erin go brawl!  Get it‽)
Gilgamesh and Enkidu
Should've learned an Irish lesson
They'd have scrapped and shared a brew
And then nicked the Bull of Heaven
  • (In case it's not clear, I'm comparing the Tain with other ancient hero literature included the oldest of all, "The Epic of Gilgamesh.")
Medb and Ailill went to bed
And they argued undercover
Which was richer and more blest
Which had settled for the other

Whitehorn won for King Ailill
Though his history was checkered
He's the world's most fertile bull
In the Guinness Book of Records
  • (Had to include Guinness so this was a way to sneak it in.)
Fedhelm, use your second sight
Mark the future, what's our ensign
-
And I see it red and crimson
  • (I'm missing a line here and from here on out you can see serious gaps in the story.  It skips down to the one-on-one battles with Cuchulainn.)
-------------------------

One, lone hero faced the horde
Raised a glass and toasted, "Slainte!"
He was brave or crazy as
Don Quixote de la Mancha

Then a warrior asked the queen,
"Who's this boy that I'll be duelin'?"
Medb replied, "Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" 
"Cu." "Coo who?" "That's him! Cuchulainn."
  • (This verse might be a bit difficult but, in case it's not clear, it's a way to introduce Cuchulainn, show how to pronounce his name and work in a knock-knock joke which originated in Knock, Ireland for which they are named.  I'm just kidding.  Our Lady of Knock, forgive me.)
-------------------

Mourn the widows of the war
Mourn the weeping dads and mudders
Mourn the men who'll march no more
So that Medb could have more udders
  • (This would likely be the last verse.  I don't know where the following verses would go.)
--------------------------

They set out to steal the prize
Like the 'nauts upon the Argo
-
Who was called Donn Juan de Marco

If you have to make amends
Take your lady to the jeweler
- 
Or a Brown Cow from the cooler
  • (This pun, though incomplete, is one of my favorites in the song.  The cow that Mebd was trying to steal was called the Brown Cow.  There's also a popsicle called a Brown Cow.  And the name of the story is the Cattle Raid of Cooley.  Cooley is very close to "cooler," another word for a refrigerator.  And when you're hungry and go to get food from the fridge, it's called "raiding the refrigerator."  Thus, a raid for the Brown Cow of Cooler instead of the Brown Cow of Cooley.  Ta daaaaaaa!!!!)
Leinster's where you go to breed, 
Head to Ulster if you're reaving, 
Munster's nice for those who read, 
But to Connact if you're thieving
  • (This is based on a poem which is discussed here.)

--------------------------

And there it is!  If you have any suggestions, I welcome them.  

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