A Biblically-based Father

On Father's Day 15 years ago, I wrote a blog about my dad, comparing him to some of the more accomplished fathers of history like Ghandi, John Lennon and Billy Sunday.  The general thesis was that they were respected but sucked as fathers and, thus, they are failures.  My father has little of the kind of respect they had, but put his family before everything and, thus, is a success.  Now, this conclusion can be questioned, especially since his less than stellar exemplar of a son is writing this.  But my failures aren't due to his parenting, so I'd rather he not be judged by me.  Plus, his other kids are veritable paragons of success and awesomeness, so ... you know ... 4 out of 5 ain't bad, right?  Why, then, am I revisiting this?

I recently watched a (throws up in my mouth a bit) PragerU video about parenting.  I saw a review and decided to watch it to see if the review was fair.  So you don't have to watch it, he claims that children and parents are happiest when children are obedient.  Parents should just give orders without explanation and never physically stoop to the child's level to talk to them.  Although he doesn't say this in the video, in other media he claims to use Biblical principles to counsel parents in parenting.  Thus, this is supposed to be the Biblical model.

I wasn't as horrified by him as the reviewer was. For example, he's correct about classroom management.  Trying to explain the reason behind every directive to a classroom of 30 middle schoolers is ... less than productive.  Actually, it's an invitation to chaotic disaster.  And I agree that there are times when a parent just needs to say, "Because I said so."  

But is that really how you want to raise your kids?  To always obey authority no matter what?  Furthermore, is this model Biblical?  Certainly there is more than an element of the powerful, inaccessible parent who does not explain in the experience of God in the Old Testament.  But if I am to believe the WHOLE Bible, then the fullest, truest revelation of God is Jesus.  Jesus who, if St. Paul was telling the truth in Philippians 2:5-11, put aside all His power and authority and glory to condescend, very literally, as one of us.  Who, even then, descended further to kneel to wash His disciples feet.  The man in the PragerU video says that, if you stoop to your child's level, you're almost kneeling to them as if they are a king.  But didn't Jesus actually say that He had made Himself the Servant of His servants?  So how is PragerU presenting a Biblical model when it is so patently anti-Christ?  

The second thing that prompted this is a divorce I am watching happen from the sidelines.  The father in this relationship is very much a PragerU-type father who desires his children (and his wife) to obey him because he says so.  He is unwilling to bend, to kneel, to condescend and it is breaking a family.  I cannot judge because my own marriage and family crumbled due to my own actions, but I want to scream at him.  You know the scene from "A Christmas Carol" where Jacob Marley shows Scrooge all the ghosts, bound in chains of their own making, tormented by the sight of someone they cannot help?  That's how I feel.  Except it's someone making similar mistakes who I want to warn away from destruction.  

Both of those combined to coalesce some thoughts that had been brewing in my head since my mom died.  I have been rethinking the role my dad played in our lives since then.  Now, I do not wish to overly praise him or trash-talk her.  Had Daddy been a single parent, I don't know that he'd have been able to homeschool us.  Certainly, birthdays would have sucked if they had even been remembered.  Not that he didn't care.  It just isn't something in his skill set.  He would not have been crocheting baby clothes and blankets for ... everyone.  There'd have been a LOT less sparkle and shine in our lives.  But, while life with just Daddy may have been a little neglectful, life with just Mommy would have been disastrous.  Of that, I am certain.  I doubt that any of my siblings would disagree.  She was not a selfish person or an evil person, but she was broken almost beyond repair and could not have been a mother on her own.  If I'm being fully honest, there were times she could hardly be a mother even with Daddy's presence.  

So, here's what I've realized about Daddy.  Even though he would probably say he agrees with that (blaaaaaargh!) PragerU video, in his actions, he was more like Jesus.  He was more Biblical than the "Biblically based" parenting.  Or husbanding.  You know all those idiotic preachers and husbands who want their wives to submit to them because the Bible says so, right?  And both Daddy and Mommy would have said they agreed with it.  But they didn't act like it. 

This is what I mean.  I wrote another blog 17 years ago about a philosophy of authority.  Most people see authority as a kind of pyramid with the leader on top and everyone else below in ever increasingly larger groups meant to obey the ones above.  But, if we're to use the pyramid structure in a Biblical sense, then it has to be inverted with the head on the bottom and everyone else built on the foundation the leader creates.  What I realized Daddy did was to lay himself down and let us build ourselves on top of him.  This is especially true for his relationship with Mommy.  We all have more fond memories of her than bad ones.  This is directly due to his willingness to sacrifice everything to be the foundation.  Like Jesus did.  He was the catalyst that allowed us to have a positive relationship with Mommy.  Without him, we would probably all hate her.  This would have further broken her because we were the most important things in her life.  Daddy made it possible for her to show us that.  

In short, while he may have looked weak, what he really showed was strength beyond what most other men are able to show.  Other men think strength is the ability to impose your will on the world, for your own gain or the good of others or whatever.  Like it's fucking prison.  I am so damn tired of people lauding prison rules as if they are the will of God.  Like T****, whose supporters lauded him because he was strong but who was so, so very weak.  Too weak to be humble.  Too weak to repent.  Too weak to be able to take a hit without lashing back like a toddler.  But whatever.  Daddy was strong, but not in order to force us all to obey.  He was strong enough to take it.  Because he was absolutely abused in that relationship.  It got better, but even in the worst of it, he took it.  Again, like Jesus.  Jesus was strong enough to take it.  He took it all the way to a manger, to a cross and to hell.  From weakness to weakness to weakness, He took it.  And that is how Daddy really shows what a Biblically based husband and father is like.  

I need to take a moment to say I am NOT advocating that people should stay in an abusive relationship to show how strong they are or to be like Jesus or anything like that.  But Mommy wanted to be a mother, a good mother, and he made that possible.  He created a safe, secure space for her to be what she craved to be but was unable to be on her own.

Some day, Daddy will die and then face judgement.  There was a Chick Tract called, "This Was Your Life," which compared a Christian and non-Christian being shown a movie of their entire lives.  I think Daddy expects this.  He'll be shown his life and will see all the ways in which he failed.  He won't hide from it or try to deny it because he already knows it.  Yes, this is true, I did those things.  I failed You and Pam and my kids and all these other people.  Yes.  I can hear him.  That's the message of the Chick Tract and much of Evangelical Christianity.  You are shown how all your good deeds are filthy rags, but God forgives you and lets you in any way because you believe in Jesus.  

Maybe it will happen that way.  Jack Chick gets SO much wrong, but he could be right in this.  Still, even if he is, I think something additional will happen.  I think Daddy will be shown his life again and, this time, Jesus will say, "Look!  Look again!  See here, where you bent?  See here where you sacrificed?  See night after night where you were the one who cooked?  See every single time your children had the stomach flu and you were the one to care for them?  See here where you stood and took all that Pam had to throw at you and didn't leave?  See here where you were like Me?  See here and here and here where you climbed on cross after cross and died in shame and ignominy day after day?  And see what it did?  You were a Gospel writ in flesh!  You built a lasting, positive relationship between your children and their mother on your own kenosis!  You did these things even when you barely knew Me.  And I was able to work through your shame, your weakness and your daily dying to yourself in the lives of your wife and your family and so many others."

So, I take back what I said earlier.  Fuck you, PragerU!  You don't understand shit!  I've seen what a Biblically based parent is and you have no idea what you're talking about.  You point to a parent who can't kneel for fear of being lower than their child?  I point to a father who prostrated himself and let his family live on his prone humility.  That is a father!  He made his family possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I could have been that strong.