Today is the 17th anniversary of Katie and Aaron's marriage. 15 years ago, I started writing a tongue-in-cheek epic poem about the yearlong courtship of Katie by Aaron. So far, I have only completed the prologue and first two tasks. I read this every year in the hopes that it will inspire me to finish the poem. Maybe for their 20th?
Katie is "Twaladriel." We used to call her "Kay-twa" and then just "Twa" so I combined that with "Galadriel." Aaron is Aarongorn, which should be self explanatory.
PROLOGUE
The trials of Twaladriel none shall tell
Of the search for soul to pierce her spined skin
And find the flesh-filled heart protected therein
The hero who bravely would hug the hard shell
To love long 'till he the true treasure would win
Nay, 'tis sufficient to say that soul's name
The bold one who braved the exterior thorn
Devoting each day, each night and each morn
To win her wild heart. And his name -- Aarongorn.
After achieving that admirable goal
One would expect that Twaladriel's father
Rejoicing in rapture, rid of the bother
Glad to see her sail to her new suitor's shores
Would cast clear consent as ship set to water.
Yet, purityrannical paternity
Prevented such a peaceful paean to be
Charged he Aarongorn with tasks numbering three
Though Twaladriel, steeped in modernity,
Assured her bold beau from foul tasks he was free.
Still, Aarongorn, loath to cause rift
Accepted the tasks from cruel Charles the White
And the limit of eighteen score days and nights.
He, believing the time assigned to be swift
Compared to the joy of a love long as life
My dad didn't actually assign tasks, but it makes for a better story. The tasks, however, did actually occur and were impressive in their execution. Thus, they deserve praise. The first task was simply coming to dinner. I wrote another small parody of Nietzsche about the evening: Thus Spake Aaronthustra.
THE FIRST TASK
In the apple-filled Autumn was the fearsome
First task. "Come to the compound. Dinner awaits.
We eat pallid, pale, foul fowl on dog-licked plates.
Our speech is of subjects obscure and drear'some.
It is both loud and long. It never abates.
Many men full failed and fled in fear
Strong stomachs spewed our unsanitary fare
At th'food laden ceiling exposed to the air
Our meals vile to the tongue and speech to the ear
(Just fording the driveway has caused cars to tear.)
Aarongorn arrived in the late afternoon
Fearfully far from the firm, safe-beaten path
He first felt the rage of the hell-hounds red wrath
At Cijay and Dhalei he almost did swoon
Though their bark held less bite than their lack of a bath
With timid tread he wound his way to the door
Through thick brackets and brambles he chose his step
At dodging their snares he became quite adept
Avoiding eight-thousand cats and cracks in the floor
And trained his composure to keep and stay kept
Charles the White his many children had gathered
Martha the Mouth and Elizabeth the Huh'n
Josh the Obscurvious and Christopher the Duh'n!
Their children and wives with looks worn and weathered
Pamela presiding like a smoke crowned queen
He entered with one sweet second of silence
Then came the cacophonous conversation
Martha charged the fray with vocal elation
Aarongorn tried to insert his own two-pence
Failed once and again in silent frustration
Despite the foul food and frigid reception
He would not sound surrender, would not give ground
He waited and listened and finally found
A chink in the chatter, lulled conversation
And threw in one word, an Aarongorn-born sound
In stunned silence the scions of Charles the White
Stared at the stranger as if for the first time
In the sound-death that followed the drop of a dime
Could be heard for they knew that he earned the right
To speak on subjects both perverse and sublime
All eyes turned to the almighty all-father
Ears opened to hear his doom, his decree
"Thou hast walked the wild path and drank the dark tea.
Thou didst not bow beneath Martha's bold blather.
Thou hast completed the first task of three."
THE SECOND TASK
Being about the second task assigned to Aarongorn in which he helps to cut wood for the fire. Stump-Splitter is a maul, a heavy duty axe. Oak-Biter is a chainsaw which was dull and sputtering. I am Crash, named for my many accidents. I chop wood like lightning because I rarely strike twice in the same place.
In the wan, waning Winter Aarongorn asked
That he might be granted his righteous request
For wily Charles the White to name the next task
As he drained his drink from his fetid, foul flask
He decided which deed was the most dire test.
"For many'a long year we have struggle and strained
To beat back the evil, vile vegetation
Thus, with blood, sweat and tears and ponderous pain
Bramble to bracken, in sun's ray and cloud's rain
Our quest caused the Green gods much consternation."
A wistful look crossed the White One's wizened face
"Those once famous feats are all but forgotten
My children are gone, the great glorious days
This compound has fallen far from ancient grace
From cellar to ceiling is rank and rotten."
Aarongorn gasped at the glimpse of humility
"These once hallowed halls I will work restore
As much as I might. Sir, my ability
My strength, skill and prodigious virility
I pledge 'gainst the plants, from the oak to the spore."
"Thy pledge I accept, but thy task shall be treach'rous
Many a foul, foliage-filled foe remains
Though we killed cruel Kudzu, leechlike and lech'rous
Thy way will be war with the leaf-laden, yes.
But heed well this warning, remember these strains.
The oak is strong, his skin is hard
His wide canopy soars aloft
The slender, sweet cedar
She is sticky and soft
Most of all, beware of the sweet-gum
'Cause it's just a bitch!
Lo, I send with thee one who strikes like lightning
Your skill is in books, in your music and voice
'Crash' he is called, for his driving is fright'ning
He's not good for much and thus is enlight'ning
Don't do what he does, make the opposite choice."
The winsome warriors wielded weapons of yore
Crash carried ochre Oak-Biter, th'many toothed
Chosen from Charles' once august cache of armor
Aarongorn mustered the mustard Stump-Splitter
Then Charles sallied them forth; thee'd, thou'd and forsoothed.
Yet, sadly, Stump-Splitter, the once mighty mace
And ochre Oak-Biter, of whom songs were sung,
So feared by the wood gods had fallen from grace
Spewed foul smoke, gasped and wheezed all over the place
And gen'rally acted like Pamela's lung.
Despite wilting weapons, with no helm nor shield
The hardy, hale heroes did not sound retreat
With many-limbed foes lumbering on the field
They, using the little that they had to wield
Engaged the enemy, wild wood 'gainst mild meat.
Weary, the warriors wound their way from the war
With weak weapons wasted, and bodies sore beat
Back to the bleak building and through the dark door
And dragging their dire, damaged forms cross the floor
They collapsed, like octogenarian teat.
With wonder, the White One approached the prone pair.
"Though I saddled thee with the worst of my kin,
Thou succeedest again, lad of the long hair.
With weak weapons, blunt blades that not butter could tear,
Yet thou, dour and determined, this task did win."
This refers to an actual event. Before Aaron and Katie were married, he came to my parent's house to help me cut wood. It was terrible. We barely accomplished anything because the chainsaw was choking more than cutting and the splitting axe hadn't been sharpened in years. We kept at it for hours and turned out a depressingly small amount of wood. Still, I suppose it was a nice bonding experience.
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