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Instructions for My Funeral

 (Note: I am neither dying nor planning to die.  This is a just-in-case notification.  Also, I wrote this ... like ... 15 years ago or so.  I'm mostly going to leave it as originally written with some updates.  I'll color and bold the updates.)

There's been a lot of death around me of late.  I don't know if it's just coincidental or if, because I'm getting older, people that I know seem to be dying more frequently.  In the school where I teach, there's been at least four deaths of close family members within the last three months.  In the time since I originally wrote this, my mother has died and an increasingly disturbing amount of family members.  I'm now 50 so ... yeah.

Recently, I sang at the funeral for a stillborn baby. It was ... surreal. There were pictures of the family with the baby and the baby himself. It reminded me of the once popular practice of "Death Portraits" or "Post-mortem Photography." The funeral was pretty standard Protestant fare, a couple of songs which were important to the family and a sermon about why we need Jesus (you know, to save us from God the Father).  Then, I sang at the Southern Baptist funeral of a friend's sibling.  Two preachers, three family members and a friend of the family all spoke.  Most of what was said, especially by the first preacher, were also relatively standard, lots of "know Jesus before it's too late" type stuff.

These two funerals, coupled with the recent ban of secular music in funerals by a Catholic bishop in Australia, prompted me to go ahead and plan out my own funeral service. If I were in a more liturgical, traditional (meaning pre or early-Reformation church) this wouldn't be an issue.  But most of my family is Southern Baptist and I'm currently attending an ARP church.  Basically, if someone approached me and asked, "Friend, if you died today, do you know where you would go?" I would be forced to respond, "A really horrible funeral?" Since I wrote this, some things have changed.  Two family members are variations of Catholic.  But, ironically, I got divorced, which freed me up to become Catholic ... but now the Catholics don't want me because I'm divorced.  So I'm kind of in the same boat regarding liturgical churches.  

Seriously, I'm scared of two things.  First, I'm scared of my death being used as a vehicle for bad theology.  Second, I'm scared of my life being glossed over by those who love me and making me the center of what should be a service of worship.  My family now knows why I was so scared of this and, I think, I'm in a much better place regarding them eulogizing me.  So, in case I do die in the near future, here are my funereal requests:
  • WORSHIP SPACE: I'm not particular where the funeral should take place.  Someplace close to the burial site seems like a bonus for all involved.  I'd love for it to be at the ruins of Sheldon church in SC, but that seems unlikely.   Really, any church will do.  Most any Catholic or Orthodox church would be ideal, but impossible because I'm neither Catholic nor Orthodox.  An Episcopalian or Lutheran church might be willing.  Most of the hymns I request further down are in the Episcopal hymnal, so that might be best.  I'd prefer something with a crucifix and statues and stained glass to the spartanaity of most Reformed and Baptist worship spaces. I deleted some of this section as I'm no longer living in NC.  I would dearly love for my funeral to occur at Mt. Irenaeus and I think they would be amenable.  If so, great!  If not, I think the local Episcopalian church would be amenable.  
  • NO EMBALMING OR RECONSTRUCTION:   I am not a pharaoh and this is not Egypt.  If you need to cremate me in order to put off the funeral, ok; but no viewing.  What I would most like is to be wrapped in cloth and put in some place that will (legally) allow me to just decompose.  Holy ground is a plus.  I had originally said in NC is a plus but ... now ... I'm not  sure.  I think that, likely, I'd like something done with cremains.  If I am cremated, do the following:
    • Use some of the ashes to make a blue, uncut (smooth) lifegem.  
    • Use the rest to make some of these.  
    • I realize that seems weird.  Use it for whatever you would like.  However, if you want to do something very cool, use the pencils to create an illuminated gospel or hymnal or something, joining whatever you create to whatever I have created prior to death.  Then, use the lifegem for a leather or gilded cover of some kind.  Or just do the pencils and use those to write my words into the book.  It will be a very strange reliquary.  Or, you could make a mourning ring.  Of course, you could do that with most anything, even hair.  Or, you could just use one of these.
  • GRAVE: I'd like the following carved on my grave with the image of a Chi-Rho over a skull (I don't know if I want a grave anymore but I don't know if I don't.  If I do get one, I'm not 100% sure this is what I want on it.  Will ponder.):
Love slain for love broke the Law of the Wood.
Dying, Love caused death to die.
Love rising renewed the life of the loved.
Love living lifted the loved high.
  • GIVE A HOMILY, NOT A SERMON, AND DEFINITELY NOT EULOGY: No eulogizing.  Absolutely not.  Nope.  No.  Nada.  Nein.  No memories of Chris, no stories about grass sculptures or the way I lived or anything like that.  You can do it at a wake/viewing beforehand or at a gathering afterward, but the funeral and the burial are not for that.   In addition, I do not want the sermon you always get at a Protestant funeral with the warped theology of, "Jesus came to save us from the Father who just can't stand us because of what Adam and Eve did and if we go to heaven we'll get dirty footprints on His couches!" NONONONONO! Basically, no penal substitution, no governmental atonement, and no substitutionary atonement.  Ransom or, even better, Christus Victor are ok.  In order to ensure all of the above, I have three subrequests:
    • NO FAMILY ARE ALLOWED TO SPEAK AT THE FUNERAL OR BURIAL: I love them, but they won't be able to help themselves from either A) talking about memories of me or B) talking about the version of Christianity with which I was raised.  Not to mention, they should be crying so hard, they couldn't speak anyway.  Seriously, this is a time for you all to pray for me.  I'd rather you did that instead.  I still don't want eulogizing at the funeral itself, but I have softened on them not speaking at the funeral or burial.  More on that later.  
    • UNLESS ALTERED, I WANT ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE TO CONDUCT AND PREACH AT THE FUNERAL: My first choice is Fr. Sean Lotz of the Celtic Catholic Church. This is still my first choice and will always be so. However, he is in Washington State and may not be able to make it. All the other people that I was ok with speaking at the funeral are probably no longer options.  So, Lt. Colonel Fr. Joshtopher White can.  Any priest at Mt. Irenaeus could even though they don't know me.   
      • They know what a funeral should be about (and it's not me) and believe in liturgy, the Real Presence, the Eucharist whenever possible, etc.
      • They have actual Christian theology and know and respect my understanding of God (even if they don't agree with all of it). 
      • Most important, they know me and my story more than anyone aside from my wife.  Interesting note: The wife I was referring to here is no longer my wife.  But it remains accurate.  I don't know that anyone knows my story more than my now-wife. One of the reasons I don't want eulogizing is that it would be a slap in the face for those whom I have hurt. So, I need someone who, if they talk about me at all, will tell the truth about me, or at least not butter me up at the end.
    • Although my family will probably be offended by this request, I think they will find each of these men will do a wonderful job. If, however, none of them are available, please find a priest/pastor (Lutheran or Episcopalian seems most likely) who will do a liturgical service with Communion and, perhaps, some truncated version of George MacDonald's sermon "The New Name."  Yeah, they get it.  
    • If you must read something of mine, read this.  It is probably the most important thing I have written.  If only one of my works were to survive me, I'd like it to be this one.  I still think the thing referenced is the most important thing I have written but I did write a really cool epic poem in honor of St. Guthlac since this.  Excerpts from that are totally groovy as well.  
  • THE FUNERAL SHOULD BE A LITURGICAL, SACRAMENTAL FUNERAL: Responsive readings. Communal prayers. Scripture. Communion. The works. None of this two songs (one of which is "I Can Only Imagine", which I absolutely and expressly forbid!!!  I would normally also forbid "Thank You" by Ray Boltz, but since he came out ... maybe I'm ok with it.) followed by a bunch of preaching. I grew up without a sacramental liturgy and have done without for the last two years (and continue to do without even today), so I'm durn well going to go out with one!  This funeral will be long, peeps. Don't come if you aren't prepared. The Anglican Funeral Liturgy is more than sufficient.  Here's some notes to add to it:
    • Of the Gathering sentences, my favorite is Romans 8:38-39
    • For the Prayers of Penitence, I prefer the Kyrie and I would prefer it sung and in Greek. However, spoken and/or English will suffice if no one will be able to participate because it is sung. And Greek.
    • For the Readings, all of them are good. I definitely would like Psalm 23, the The King of Love to the tune of St. Columba (my patron saint). I'm kind of partial to 1 Corinthians 15 for the NT reading, especially the "death, where is thy sting" and "the last enemy to be destroyed is death" verses. I also like Revelation 21, especially verse 4. And Ecclesiasticus 38:16-23 (that's mostly just to annoy my family, because they use the truncated ... I mean Protestant ... Bible). However, I leave the selection of the specific scriptures up to whoever preaches. I do want, when the Gospel is read, for there to be a procession with the cross and candles into the midst of the people.
  • As for hymns, I would like the following (Aaron could very easily do any of these, but Josh as well.  The thought of Pange Lingua accompanied by a banjo makes me happy.  But this would be a huge learning curve in a short amount of time.  I'm going to try to get chords and stuff up on my Poor Hymnal blog.  'Till then, negotiate as necessary with a pianist.  Acapella is good, too.):
Blessed are those who have come to trust you
They will never be ashamed
They worry for nothing,even in suff’ring
They count all their losses gain
Hoping in sadness, eyes on the Promise
They are laughing through their tears
Taking the long view, pain is a prelude
To the hope of all these years

We will all go home
We will all go home
If the Truth be known
We will all go home

Home where the heart is
Where your best is good enough
Where there is no death, no pain
Home where they say you can never go back to
‘Cause it’s never quite the same
Like we imagine, like we remember
Both identical and strange
Home where we make sense of our existence
When He gives us our new names.

Just like Kansas, like Odysseus
Like the Fire-glow, waiting at the long road’s end
Just Bag-end, just like Graceland
We’ll all be going Home…

Thine is the Kingdom and when you come
All your children will be there
Just like Valhalla, just like Elysium
Like the last time that You came

And all of the ragged that you have rescued
Will toast You on that day
All of the masses, raising their glasses
Singing “Hail! The victorious Raised!”

We will all go home
We will all go home
If the Truth be known
We will all go home

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